[Grief is hard for him to accept, so, in the past, he shut it out and focused on the tasks at hand. When his mother died, he had forced himself to not think about her and instead busied himself with his marriage. His loneliness had made him more vulnerable than usual and then he couldn't take back what had been done.
No, he isn't going to think about his natural son. So he tells himself as his hands shake and tears blur his vision.
What had he done? Poor Jin Rusong. Why can't he hold both of them, Jin Rusong and Jin Ling, in his arms? All he needs is a second chance...
Life doesn't provide those.
He is outside when Xichen walks up and he trembles, unable to resist the offer. Meng Yao hurries into those arms, returning what is given with gentle hands. His poor Xichen looks tired too - and not in a way simple sleep can cure.]
[ This place provides a little of a second chance. Meng Yao... at least did not waste the one that he was given, with Jin Rulan.
But it may be a little too soon to remind him of that.
Instead, he just tightens his arms around Meng Yao a little. ]
We will see if we can trace the time when he went into a port and didn't leave. Then we can know if she is still here. If she is, we can find her, you and I.
[ You are not alone. Xichen cannot fix what is wrong with the world, the parts that broke Meng Yao. He cannot fix the parts broken in Meng Yao, either. But he can. And he will. To the best of his ability, offer the softness that he thinks someone he cares about deserves. ]
[ Could people justify, all in all, leaving Meng Yao to deal with all of this alone? With as much mercy as he hasn't afforded, yes. Can Xichen not offer what little he can give?
He knows he is not enough to make up for what has been lost. He never was. But if the man was left alone, would he not grow bitter all over again? Would the second chance not seem worse than a mockery?
Once upon a time, Xichen used to believe that the bitterness could not prevail. Once upon a time, he had no idea that it already had.
And even so, he would have offered comfort. ]
Anytime, Meng Yao.
Sizhui... reached out to me. We will do our best to make sure he is not alone, either. Thinking of him is kind.
[ A part of him still notes down, that Meng Yao talked of Sizhui specifically, rather than the entire group of juniors. It may have been because Sizhui was Jin Rulan's roommate. It may have been because Jin Rulan has spoken specifically of him. It may have been something else entirely. A part of his mind, the part that feels the worst about being manipulated, is aware that there may be many reasons.
The rest of him points out that it is still kind. ]
[There will always be a question behind his every action. He can sense Xichen's concern and it burrows between them, pushing them apart no matter how they embrace. Meng Yao chafes at anything standing between them, so of course he will forget any pride he has left and tell Xichen - this one man - the truth.]
He has sought out my company. I think he must pity me. [He smiles, a little pained.] Sizhui is kind and I have him to thank for my archery lessons. They have helped me strengthen my arm.
[Pushing up his sleeve, he shows the muscles.]
I know he was living with Jin Ling - and I know they were close. This will be difficult for him.
[ Xichen once thought that nothing stood between them, but that had not been true since Meng Yao broke the faith of Nie Mingjue, had it. Because there had been all the things that Meng Yao hid, all the things that he lied about, all the blood that he shed. What stood between them piled higher and wider with each passing year. Xichen knows now that it never let them bet close.
Does Meng Yao? Will he know, how deep a chasm he had carved himself between them?
But this shred of truth now helps. Xichen doesn't let go, only closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly. A-Yuan, ah, A-Yuan. what are you thinking. ]
Please be gentle with him, Meng Yao. I am sure he thinks he knows what he is doing, but do we ever?
I am glad that others who know do also understand that isolation and hatred cannot heal.
I won't hurt him. [And not because he would have Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji dragging him through the streets for a public execution. No, he likes Lan Sizhui and he appreciates that he is willing to be open with him.
Of course no Lan can replace Xichen. Meng Yao cradles the other man's face between his hands, thumbs stroking his cheeks.]
You know what you are doing, Xichen. The fool was always me. Please don't be confused.
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No, he isn't going to think about his natural son. So he tells himself as his hands shake and tears blur his vision.
What had he done? Poor Jin Rusong. Why can't he hold both of them, Jin Rusong and Jin Ling, in his arms? All he needs is a second chance...
Life doesn't provide those.
He is outside when Xichen walks up and he trembles, unable to resist the offer. Meng Yao hurries into those arms, returning what is given with gentle hands. His poor Xichen looks tired too - and not in a way simple sleep can cure.]
If he left Fairy behind, we need to find her.
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But it may be a little too soon to remind him of that.
Instead, he just tightens his arms around Meng Yao a little. ]
We will see if we can trace the time when he went into a port and didn't leave. Then we can know if she is still here. If she is, we can find her, you and I.
[ You are not alone. Xichen cannot fix what is wrong with the world, the parts that broke Meng Yao. He cannot fix the parts broken in Meng Yao, either. But he can. And he will. To the best of his ability, offer the softness that he thinks someone he cares about deserves. ]
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Breathing in deeply, he finds comfort in the gentle scent of Xichen's robes. Is there any part of this sweet man that isn't absolutely perfect?
He has yet to find a flaw.]
Thank you. [For taking charge, for having a plan, for supporting him. There won't come a day that Meng Yao doesn't love Xichen - and this is why.]
I need to go to Lan Sizhui too.
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He knows he is not enough to make up for what has been lost. He never was. But if the man was left alone, would he not grow bitter all over again? Would the second chance not seem worse than a mockery?
Once upon a time, Xichen used to believe that the bitterness could not prevail. Once upon a time, he had no idea that it already had.
And even so, he would have offered comfort. ]
Anytime, Meng Yao.
Sizhui... reached out to me. We will do our best to make sure he is not alone, either. Thinking of him is kind.
[ A part of him still notes down, that Meng Yao talked of Sizhui specifically, rather than the entire group of juniors. It may have been because Sizhui was Jin Rulan's roommate. It may have been because Jin Rulan has spoken specifically of him. It may have been something else entirely. A part of his mind, the part that feels the worst about being manipulated, is aware that there may be many reasons.
The rest of him points out that it is still kind. ]
Was he supposed to visit?
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He has sought out my company. I think he must pity me. [He smiles, a little pained.] Sizhui is kind and I have him to thank for my archery lessons. They have helped me strengthen my arm.
[Pushing up his sleeve, he shows the muscles.]
I know he was living with Jin Ling - and I know they were close. This will be difficult for him.
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Does Meng Yao? Will he know, how deep a chasm he had carved himself between them?
But this shred of truth now helps. Xichen doesn't let go, only closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly. A-Yuan, ah, A-Yuan. what are you thinking. ]
Please be gentle with him, Meng Yao. I am sure he thinks he knows what he is doing, but do we ever?
I am glad that others who know do also understand that isolation and hatred cannot heal.
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Of course no Lan can replace Xichen. Meng Yao cradles the other man's face between his hands, thumbs stroking his cheeks.]
You know what you are doing, Xichen. The fool was always me. Please don't be confused.